I am writing to express excited interest in the fact that you have purchased this book. To date, I have read about ¾ of Mindy Kaling’s book, and the entire introduction of Tina Fey’s. (4 pages), and they both seem to start by offering their gratitude. Although I do, in fact, truly appreciate your support, I have strong feelings and even higher hopes that you will be thanking yourself for this purchase on your own accord.
Sometimes I try to read over my stuff as someone else. I assume the identity of Jacelyn Skillman, (my prolonged porn star name) or Tiffany Smallz (my first faux JDate Profile). Quite often, I think “Haha, that SUCKS. Glad that didn’t happen to me.”
Right…you might see how this process lacks any advantage. But, my loss is your gain. You’re welcome.
Anyway, when I first moved to LA, I began a blog entitled Sprinkle Munchkin, my absolute favorite Dunkin Donuts product. [Dunkin Donuts to the West Coast is Sonic to the East Coast. You see the commercials everywhere, but have never come across one] As a treat, absolutely divine. As a blog, not so much. Sprinkle Munchkin really had zero direction, and was just an outlet for me to preserve random thoughts. In an insomnia-ridden night, I developed this little anecdote to describe myself. Although written in a delirious state, I find that it remains pretty accurate.
I’m 23 years old and female, though pictures of my early childhood might indicate otherwise. Co-authoring my autobiography Taylor Braun: My life from A-D, and my other autobiography Taylor Braun: I know what I want? I think!
I also host and transcribe interviews of various public figures that take place in my head. Guests include but are not limited to, Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon, Ellen Degeneres and the like.
I start everything but finish nothing. I am repetitive but contradictory. I say something one day but believe something else the next. I’m rarely hungry, but often eating. I’m always tired. If you find that annoying, imagine how I feel. I just farted.
I do solemnly swear that I did actually fart after finishing the blurb. In all honesty, I don’t think I meant to type it but rather was just reiterating the events aloud to myself, complete norm. When I read it the next day, it worked for me.
I decidedly made this my signature for a short period of time. This was before I had fully committed to writing, and when I was still applying for corporate jobs and responding to the occasional craigslist partners. This may or may not have been the reason I never got one. (A job, or a craigslist partner)
My goal is to time stamp everything that I write. Seeing as I have been essentially compiling essays and articles for years, I have a feeling this book will be read in an order in which it is not chronologically written. Ie: Today is March 13, 2013. 1:39 AM. According to my phone, my computer is 13 minutes fast.
What makes this night different from all the others? (insert jewish comment here) As you may or may not know, I have egregiously compared myself to many of the great female comedy writers of our time. Tina Fey, Mindy Kaling, Lena Dunham, Taylor Braun. Oh, sorry it just kind of flowed.
I realize however that there is one glaringly obvious difference. One of these names does not belong. No, its not Mindy Kaling because she is Indian! What century are you in?
I realize that I am not famous. (define famous) I haven’t been on a show, or written one that anyone has seen. I’ve never been on SNL. I haven’t even watched all the episodes. I did however go to see one taping. Hugh Laurie hosted and Beck was the musical guest. That fact would bear absolutely no relevance on my life until years later when Hugh would become the star of my first celebrity adult dream.
Anyway, today as I was reading Mindy’s book, I came across a quote on the back cover, “Where have you been all our lives, Mindy?”
And that is the reason that I’m writing this book, officially. Why put off tomorrow what you can do today. So I will be going through all my old devices, including a dell lap top, a mac lap top, a desktop dating back to the prehistoric time when people still used desktops, multitudes of emails from a variety of my email addresses throughout the years, and numerous cell phones containing photos and notepads of who knows what. With any luck, I won’t actually have to write anything additional, other than the occasional comment. With a little luck I will become “famous” in the mean time, get a huge cash advance to fund the research of my book, and live it up like a rock star in the Hollywood Hills. With a lot of luck…Well now this is bordering on a Lottery commercial, and I’m not about to do that, unless I get a killer endorsement deal.
Also, I can’t fall asleep, and am waiting for my advil PM to kick in.
I honestly hope you enjoy the read. But even if you don’t, you already bought it so its cool. Unless you downloaded it illegally, in which case….
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