Time to Shoot the Shit

Okay, so I’ve been getting some less than positive feedback regarding the fact that I often refer the act of – in an effort to keep it classy- the human process of removing metabolic waste.

Whether you prefer to drop off the kids at the pool, to simply drop a deuce, to pinch a load, or to yield “a crap on deck that could choke a donkey”, it is really none of my concern. You’re all free to pick your poison. But it’s safe to say I’m talking about Taking A Shit.

I understand the response that some people may want to judge me.

Here is an excerpt from a dear friend of mine after reading a post about my trip to Vegas.

FEBRUARY 25th

7:11pm:  you’re too vulgar
7:15pm: i wanna support you bc i thought i liked you? but if you keep this up, i hate you
7:15pm: maybe if you really keep going ill wanna hate fuck you and choke you until your unconscious

In an effort to keep his identity under wraps, I won’t disclose his name. But thanks to him, I will now post a disclaimer for any future posts containing disturbing matter. They will be tagged; Just In Case.

Anyway, I understand that this is sensitive subject matter, and some people think its gross. That’s fair.  I’m not trying to be vulgar. Regardless of gender, I’m not trying to condone taking dumps in public, or I dunno say, shitting into a Pringles can and leaving it on an unassuming table hoping that someone would take the plunge.

[DISCLAIMER 1: This actually happened. Case of TOKYO vs. ZOO. In the infamous prank war of 2011, the house of boys across the street (TOKYO) placed a “can of whoop ass” also known as a mixture of all of their shits, on our table (ZOO) in the hopes that our quest for sour cream and onion would only be met had one of the boys recently consumed Mexican food. We noticed the suspicious can just in time to prevent a friend from being fist full of feces, and also never made mention of it; deeming us the undisputed champs. Yeah, secrets out. I found the shit, and it was really fucking gross]

 

But that aside, I just think it is so interesting how some people well into their second decade of life react to the idea of girls using the restroom as such a preposterous notion. Come on. You’re 20 years old. You’ve managed to swallow the fact that there was not a little fairy collecting your disgusting cavity ridden enamel objects known as teeth in exchange for a few bills under your pillow.

[SIDE NOTE: The whole concept of the tooth fairy fascinates me. In theory, it’s supposed to serve as a tale of magic and wonderment. In reality, you have now instilled in your kid the fear that a winged creature has access to their bedroom, while also informing them that they can barter their body parts for money…

Honestly, if you’re a parent trying to prepare your offspring for a life of prostitution and things of that nature, you should really teach them better bargaining skills. The average tooth today goes for 3$. I can get 8 grand for a couple of my eggs. Just saying.]

The point is, that by the age of 6, you already know that Santa is not real, the Easter Bunny is a farce, and everybody hates the Jews. Don’t pretend finding out girls go Number 2 is an earth shattering realization.

Now that we got that shit all cleared out, stay tuned for further insight as to how girls really feel about doing the do.

[DISCLAIMER #2: This was written in my new office!]

 

the office

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